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inara

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Mal shouldn't be allowed to think. It always gets him into trouble.

Thief, Companion, Thief, Companion...

Mal heads from his bunk toward Shuttle One, entering without knocking.

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"Sitting? I can do that."

As obediantly as he can, Mal sits.

She sits beside him, and gathers her thoughts, wanting to phrase this exactly right.

"About a week ago, I sent a message to the Guild, informing them that I was in a serious relationship and that I needed to change my status from active." She pauses for a moment, then continues. "And that I would be taking a break to reevaluate my career."

She looks at Mal, gauging his reaction to that comment.

"I told them that I didn't want to give up the Companion life completely, but that things had to change. I just received a message back, saying I had a choice to make. I believe you heard the rest."

She looks down at her hands, twisting themselves in her lap.

Craaaaap.

This is one of those problems that they never teach you in Basic. "How to comfort your space ho girlfriend and be happy she might quit being a space ho at the same time" is not exactly required material.

He wishes it had been, now.

"I said on Persephone that I don't have cause to stop you from doin' whatever it was that you wanted, and that's true here. I can't...I can't be the one to ask you to give up what you've done all your grown life." As much as I might glee at the thinking of it.

"Is there...there somethin' in the middle o' all this?"

Mal can hardly believe he's suggesting to think of something besides being an active companion for Inara, but he can't be the reason why she does this. He's bright enough to know she'll bring it back on him later if he is.

She looks up quickly, surprised at how calm and reasonable he is being.

"There...may be more options. I just don't know right now. I think," she hesitates then continues quickly, "I think I am going to have to go back to the Training House. I'll talk to them directly, find out what kind of postings there are for inactive Companions. See exactly what choices I have."

She reaches out and takes Mal's hand, meeting his gaze as best she can.

"I'm not giving up on us, Mal, but I am not ready to give up being a Companion either. But I love you. So something has to change."

She's leaving. Stop her. She can't leave. Please don't leave me.

Mal can't look at Inara straight in the eye right now. Only choice? Flee. Like usual. Coward.

Mal stands quickly, looking not so much at Inara as the wall in the back of the shuttle behind Inara's head. Yeah.

"Let me know what you decide."

Inara stands as well, and grabs his arm, trying to take his hand in hers.

"Mal, please don't go. Tell me what you're thinking. I'm trying to do what's fair, what's right. Please don't leave like this.

And the tears make another appearance.

(What's fair, what's right)

Mal only stares at Inara's hand on his arm. All of her touches since he kissed her that night by the lake had been loving, kind, sweet. This one was different - desperate. Scared.

He was scared too.

She's gotta choose for herself, I can't tell her what's fair. DOn't know what fair is for this.

Mal's face twists away from hers, only just managing to eke out, "Ain't naught else I can do, 'Nara. Ain't a part o' your world."

Mal waits for Inara to drop her hand away from his arm. He can't even sum up the will to leave while she is still touching him.

Inara hates the pain in his voice, the pain she has caused him. But she can't be anything else than what she is.

She keeps holding on to his arm, as she whispers, "Please stay here tonight, Mal. You are a part of my world - this world. The most important one. Please."

Mal, through an altogether Herculean effort, lifts his gaze to meet Inara's and moves in quickly for a kiss that, while deep and full of his usual passion for her, held a fear that was too real to be said out loud.

A hand on her cheek, he whispers, "I can't, Inara. Not tonight. Duibuqi. I'm so sorry."

Choose Me. Don't let me be the thing that has to change.

Mal steps away from Inara, his footfalls making no sound as he leaves the shuttle.

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