badinlatin | Mal-Inara. "Is this a wedding or not?"

"You know, you ain't exactly told me everythin' that's actually gonna happen in this thing. I get to know this, right?"

She gives him a Look.
"Yes, of course you get to know. You're going to have to do everything right, so the more prepared you are the better." She stops and takes a breath, trying to supress the irritation she feels.

"It's a very simple ceremony, all said. We will process in to the temple, and present ourselves to the Guild representatives. There will be a short tea ceremony with all of the representatives present. Then we will each recite a pledge of our intentions." She pauses for a moment, then continues. "The final step is san san ku do. Are you familiar with the ceremony?"

"No, I don't know the ceremony. And of course I'm going to try and do everything right, in case that was a concern for you."

Mal's eyes have narrowed just slightly.

"Just 'cause I don't know everythin' 'bout what's goin' on don't mean I ain't gonna try. You just gotta be nice to me about it."

This more than Inara can handle after just waking up.

"I AM being nice to you! What do you want from me? You have no idea how hard this all is for me. I'm so very sorry if I haven't been focused completely on you this entire time, but there are two of us involved in this and I think I have a bit more to worry about than you!"

She bites her lip, stopping herself from saying anything else, her hands clenched and shaking with anger.

"Don't," Mal tenses. "Don't even try to say that. You want me to tell you when I have problems, fine. You want me to play nice, fine. But when it comes to this - you and me, in front of everyone in our lives - you have to tell me what the good gorram is going on. Because right now? All I have been doing is for you. And you don't seem to be giving a rat's ass."

Mal has been speaking slowly, evenly. Colder than he wants to be.

Tears of fury start coursing down Inara's cheeks. She is so furious she can barely get the words out of her mouth.

"I care more about this than you can imagine and I am trying to tell you what's going on! You're doing this for me? What about me changing my entire life for you? What do you think this ceremony is about?"

"I THINK IT'S A WEDDING, INARA!"

The bellow of Mal's voice echoes despite the curtains across the walls of the shuttle that usually dampen any noise.

"You think I want to take you from your life? Really? Huh? You think I understand any of this, this ceremony? I don't. All I understand is that you are giving up full Companion. All because of me. You and I are gonna be bound to each other. Unbreakable, even if you wanted to go back down the line, you can't."

"This is a wedding to me, Inara. Actual and whole. It may not be with churches and crosses, but the way it is is the way it is. And I don't know how to deal with the fact that it will never be that way to you."

Mal sets his jaw, pretty much convinced he's going to get slapped.

Inara is so shocked she can't move. She sits there a moment, her mouth hanging open. And then she obliges, slapping him hard across the face. She bursts into tears and throws her arms around him, clutching him tightly.

"Mal, I am so so sorry. I never wanted you to think that this wasn't serious to me. I..I just..." she holds him tighter, then relaxes slightly, moving enough so she can look into his face. "I do owe you an explanation."

Mal does meet Inara's gaze, jaw vaguely throbbing for a moment. Inara didn't pack too much of a punch.

The hurt isn't physical.

The effect of seeing Inara sobbing is really only seen in the washed-out change of his eyes as he levels his voice and utters a quiet, "Quite."

Inara takes a deep, shuddering breath and tries to control her tears. She wipes her face with her hands, then looks up at Mal.

"Did you ever wonder how I knew about this ceremony, Mal? It probably never occurred to you that I might have been involved in one before."

She looks down at her damp hands, taking a few more deep breaths.

Mal's still trying to keep an even keel with things. He's willing to listen; he's not willing to give up a lot of ground though.

"I don't assume things, Inara. I would rather you tell me straight.

"I'm used to havin' secrets."

"So am I, Mal. Especially about this." She has a bit of her skirt in her hands and twists it tightly. "I haven't talked about this in a very long time...since I left Sihnon."

She lets the implications of that statement sink in for a moment, twisting her skirt into an even tighter rope.

Mal breathes out raggedly.

He really is not sure of anything to say.

Only that he doesn't want to say anything, just let her talk.

"There was a man, a very wealthy, very handsome young man living on Sihnon. I was working my way up the Guild ladder, in line for Temple Priestess, a very high honor. We were introduced at a ball thrown by the Guild - it seemed his family and mine had known each other for years, though we had never met. It seemed perfect - he began as a customer, and things progressed from there. I began to care for him very deeply, in spite of the warnings from my training mistresses and close aquaintance. Soon, he proposed a union - me as his personal Companion. And I was thrilled to accept."

Inara speaks all of this very softly, still looking down at her lap. She is afraid to look at Mal, afraid to see the expression on his face.

Paper flowers and stones and pictures

There is a very discernable crack in Mal's stoicism he's trying to cling to during all this.

But Inara doesn't see it. Good.

Inara continues. "Things seemed wonderful. I was living with him at his home, spending every moment looking after his needs, doting on him." A note of bitterness slips into her voice. "After a few months, I came to realize that I was deeply in love with him...but that he had no such feelings for me. I was just a Companion, a plaything - and I caught him with another Companion, in our home, in our bed."

The muscles along Mal's jawline tighten with this confidence.

Out of the million responses he could try, he chooses a somber, "What did you do?"

Inara looks up at him for the first time.

"I challenged him to a duel, of course."

Wash would be proud of the headtilting, Mal thinks.

"Huh."

He's not trying to be pejorative, he's just a bit lost.

Inara gives a bitter half laugh.

"Well, you aren't the only one here with an over-developed sense of honor. He was shocked, society was shocked. The Guild tried to talk me out of it, but I wouldn't listen. I think I went a little crazy." She looks down at her hands again.

"We met out on the green that morning and he tried to apologize, to tell me that he never realized my feelings. I never said a word, just raised my sword. And I killed him."

Atherton Wing, for some damned ungodly reason, is the first thing that pops into his head. Fuck that.

Mal hasn't tried to touch Inara through the entire conversation, save one brief kiss in greeting.

He now lays one hand in her lap, across hers that already rest there, and says nothing.

Inara recoils slightly, then moves her hand to cover his. She still can't look at his face.

"I can't imagine what you must be thinking of me right now."

Mal squeezes his eyes closed before speaking, exhaling before opening them again.

"Did you think you needed forgiveness from me?"

Inara pauses a moment, staring at their hands. "No. I think I needed to forgive myself. And I'm not sure I can do that."

We were brave like soldiers
"You have to try. If I have to try, you have to try."
I couldn't tell you but I'm telling you now
"Talkin' on it's a start, I would think."
Just let me hold you while you're falling apart.
A long, awkward silence. "I've killed. For all different kinds o' reasons, even. You can't...We can't be in the past anymore, you know."

We.

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